Normally I blog when my son has been put down for the night and tonight is no different. This is the part of the day where the stress really sets in. Where the weight on my shoulders just seems to feel so heavy. My son is quite the grand distraction from reality. I can focus on learning the letter A instead of bills, money, friendships, relationships, or all the anxiety that goes along with that. Today has especially been a stressful day.
I find that when I stray away from my faith I tend to have the stressful days. I tend to lose my "sh*t" for the lack of better words. I don't believe that The Lord punishes those who do not live life the way he says to...I do believe that The Lord stands back and says "well if you think you've got this, then let me not stand in your way!" Lord, I Do Not Have This!
I am not by any means a perfect Christian woman..I wouldn't even dare say that I am a good one. I tend to have a strong relationship and then somewhere I fall short. I lose my way and continue down the path I don't belong on. Then when I feel there is no more to give I call upon The Lord. The Lord does not deserve my wavering commitment. God who hand made me, handpicked me to be a mother, gave me a calling, and continues to love me when I'm less than perfect. So today I need to call upon him. I need to start over!
"Lord, tonight I come to you lost. Tonight I come to you grateful. Grateful that through all of my wavering gratitude, loyalty, and love that you are still there by my side. That you still love me when I feel less than lovable. Lord, you still provide and care for me and my family when I choose to follow down the wrong path. So tonight I want to start over! I want to be the woman you made me to be. I want to be the mother that Oliver deserves. I want to be the wife that vows were made for. Lord, I ask you tonight to be with me as I start my path. Lord, guide me in the direction you want me to be. Lord, hold those close to me as I start over. So that they may understand why I must be what you are calling me for. So that I must not waver. Thank you! In your sons name I pray. Amen"